On The Way Back Home.
“I know I am going to sound like a dick after this message. I know you were going to come up on the nineteenth, but I don’t think you should.”
The opening to this should have scared her. She had just finished a therapy session and was feeling better about herself when she saw she had missed messages. Her intrigue at how many there were, had her listening to all of them. Her disappointment climbing with every sentence he spoke.
“I am an honest person and I feel I should be honest with you.” She snorted at this because of the basis of their relationship. The idea of honesty when they both were in a web of teetering infidelity, was staggeringly humorous. “I was hanging out with some friends and I find myself liking this girl.”
There it was. The ‘bingo’ moment that gets to the point of this message. She should have turned it off. She should have deleted it all after that, but she always was a glutton for punishment and she couldn’t turn away from the face she has been dreaming about. So drawn to this man, that the mere lull of his voice steals her attention and that was part of the problem to begin with.
“I don’t want to start off wrong with her. This is a complex situation and I have never found myself at a crossroads like this. I like you. God, how I like you, but the reality is, you’re taken. A relationship between me and you is not reasonable.”
Can your heart actually cry? Can your soul actually feel detached? So many questions run rampant through her head that she almost feels dizzy. It is good she pulled over to listen to these videos or she may have crashed.
The video ends and she clicks on the next one. Not really understanding her need to just watch him talk, but knowing she was in for more internal pain.
“Nothing has happened with this girl yet, but I like her. I want to see where this would go and if you come up here, it would be just to hang out. I am not sure you want to drive that far for that considering how our interactions have been so far.”
Her hair falls slightly out of her pony tail when she shakes her head. Tears prick at her eyes. She has been planning this trip for a bit now. The notion that he was cancelling it when he asked for it to begin with, was a bit ironic. The whole situation was ironic in her eyes. Blinking back the tears she wills herself to stop. In reality, he was right. In reality, if he felt he could be happy without her, with someone else, she wouldn’t hold him back. It is crazy because she knew what that felt like and yet here, she was, doing the same thing but she couldn’t explain why.
“You are amazing and if you were available, I would choose you. I hope you really know that, but I feel I have a shot with this girl and I don’t want to mess it up if that is the case. I hope you understand.”
The video stops. A car drives by and the rumble of their engine reverberates through her now hollow feeling chest. How could she have done this to herself? It was her own fault. Her soul got too attached to this man knowing she couldn’t do anything about it. She was married. He knew from the very beginning. She never hid it. She didn’t want to. She was glad she didn’t because living a lie to gain attention would have made this worse, but she was also living a lie anyway.
He knew she was married but felt the connection they had just as much as she did. That is what made this so surreal. Her own husband had cheated on her before, numerous times, and maybe she diluted herself into trying to feel a connection but how can she when she does with this other person. This other person who is now breaking parts of her she didn’t know could feel.
It wasn’t right. None of this was, but how do you deny what your whole being is telling you?
She stared at the next video on her phone. The only one left. Not wanting to hear more words that would break her down, she paused. Her breath came out shallow. She had no right to complain about this. He was probably feeling bad to, since he all but said so.
One little push and she could hear his last words. One little push and this, whatever this is between them, would be over. She knew it, even if she didn’t want to accept it.
Her finger grazed over the play button as a sour feeling filled her. Am I going to throw up?
“I know we haven’t officially done anything yet, nothing has happened, but I can’t say I wish it hadn’t. I do feel close to you. I doubt that will change, but I need to give this thing a chance if I want it to go anywhere. If you were closer and I thought this would work, or I knew I had a real chance, I wouldn’t worry about this.”
A noise escapes her lips. Thank goodness she was alone, in her car. Closing her eyes, she leans her head back against the head rest. Her mind fighting with her heart. She knows what he is saying is the truth, but her heart doesn’t want to listen to logic and isn’t that how they got in this mess to begin with? Maybe her heart is a liar and she shouldn’t let it speak anymore.
“I am sorry baby girl. I am. I hope we can still be friends. I love talking to you. Please don’t be mad at me and I hope you understand. Talk to you soon.” A brief pause. Her eyes open to see him staring at the screen. “At least, I hope you will still talk to me.”
The video ends abruptly after his last sentence. His beautiful blue eyes that remind her of the Mexican sea, stare back at her. Tears fall from her own, in waves. Reckless whines of mixed emotions are flowing down her face as her heart and mind compete for dominance.
She can’t argue anything he just said because even if they hadn’t done anything wrong yet, she knew she would have given the chance. That alone to her, was cheating. Something she hated herself for, considering it was hypocritical. Her own husband had emotionally and physically done it to her. The fact that she was now teetering on the edge of it herself was draining.
Calming herself down enough to clear her throat, she opened her app to record a video. At the very least, she couldn’t ignore him. This man that she has become attached to, had the curtsy of talking to her about his feelings. Now she needed to be a big girl and do the same in return, but how? Should she show how she was really feeling? Should she hide it all?
Warring emotions battled inside her so long that she was starting to feel exhausted. When your inner demons fight and you don’t know which one should win, it drains you. The feeling of having a migraine for so long that when it finally dissipates, you are tired and useless to the world. That is how she was feeling now.
Swiftly shaking her head to try to focus, she blew out a breath and angled her phone so that the screen was black. She decided she couldn’t show him her face. She may not be able to hide the emotion in her voice but her face is something she was able to avoid.
Closing her eyes again as she hit the play button.
The war inside her had her pausing, unable to get the words out. She couldn’t leave a blank video for him, so she pushed herself to speak.
“I can’t say I am not disappointed. I am.” Her voice cracked slightly and she hoped he didn’t notice. “But I understand. I really have no right or claim to you and we both know this is an awkward situation.” She nibbles on her cheek, staving off a cry that wanted to escape. Going on, she tried to steady her racing heart. “I want you to be happy and we both know my situation. I won’t come up out of respect for you because I know I won’t be able to control myself.”
She stopped the video. Her mind just realized this video will be a good bye video. No matter how much she wants to still talk to him, being friends at this point would be too hard. The way she always wants to run her hands through his hair and wished she could feel his arms around her, wouldn’t be fair to her now fragile soul. Taking another breath and wiping her tear streaked face, she hits the record button again.
“I really do wish you the best and if you need to talk, I will be here. I will miss you but I get it. I do. I just hope she knows how lucky she is.”
Wet drops hit the phone as she hits the stop button again. She wants to crawl inside herself but physically can’t. Sending both videos, she drops her phone. They have been messaging back and forth for a while now. It was their normal. Talking late into the days. How am I going to go back to being without that?
A voice crawled inside her head. Was she this easily replaceable? Was she this easily forgotten? She may not have had a claim on him, but it made her feel like a part of this was one sided as well. Maybe he hadn’t felt the connection as strongly as she had. That isn’t his fault, rather her own ignorance, her own emotions being naive enough to fall for an illusion of what she thought he felt.
A part of her felt like it was dying and her mind kept telling her that she needed to be realistic. She just didn’t know how. How can she be with someone, be devoted to them, but still feel connected to someone else? How can she love someone, but knowing she has a connection with someone else so strongly, that it might be more than what she already has? Loss over someone that wasn’t even hers to begin with, filled the empty space in her and the one person she wanted to talk to was the cause of it. The one person she would have messaged, she now can’t.