G&T Publishing

“I know I am going to sound
like a dick after this message. I know you were going to come up on the
nineteenth, but I don’t think you should.”

Maybe it was because her
emotions were under control after today’s therapy session, but she wasn’t concerned
at the beginning of his video message. Several missed text messages greeted her
when she turned her phone back on outside the office doors. Intrigue and
excitement peaked at how many there were. Only for her disappointment to grow
with every sentence, he spoke.

“I am an honest person, and
I feel I should be honest with you.”

She snorted at this because
of the basis of their relationship. The idea of honesty when they both were in
a web of teetering infidelity, was staggeringly humorous.

“I was hanging out with
some friends, and I find myself liking this girl.” He continued. A tinge of
nervous resentment in his voice.

There it was. The ‘bingo’
moment getting to the point of this message.

She should have turned it
off. She should have deleted it all after that, but she always was a glutton
for punishment, and couldn’t turn away from the face she has been dreaming
about. She was so drawn to this man, that the mere lull of his voice steals her
attention, and that was part of the problem to begin with.

“I don’t want to start off
wrong with her.” He said, looking up at the sky before continuing. “This is a
complex situation. I have never found myself at a crossroads like this. I like
you.” Pausing to rub his temples. “God, how I like you,” His hand falls to his
side and his shimmering eyes stare into the video feed, “but the reality is,
you’re taken. A relationship between me and you is not reasonable.”

Can your heart actually
cry? Can your soul actually feel detached?

So many questions run
rampant through her head that she felt dizzy. Overwhelmed, she pulled over to finish
watching these videos, or she may have crashed.

This video message ends,
and she clicks on the next one. Not really understanding her need to just watch
him talk, but knowing she was in for more emotional pain.

“Nothing has happened with
this girl yet, but I like her.” His chest rises and falls with every breath. A
pained expression fleeting over his brow. “I want to see where this would go,
and if you come up here, it would be just to hang out.” The camera shifts as he
shakes his head. “I am not sure you want to drive that far for that;
considering how our interactions have been so far I might not trust myself.”

Her hair falls slightly out
of her ponytail with a shake of her head. Tears prick at her eyes. She has been
planning this trip for a while now. The notion that he was canceling it when he
asked for it to begin with, was a bit ironic. The whole situation was ironic.
Blinking back the tears, she wills herself to stop. In reality, he was right.
In reality, if he felt he could be happy without her, with someone else, she
wouldn’t hold him back. It is crazy because she knew what that felt like, and
yet here she was, doing the same thing, but she couldn’t explain why.

“You are amazing,” he says
with love in his gaze, “and if you were available, I would choose you. I hope
you really know that.” His eyes fall and a soft resolve claims his tone. “But I
feel I have a shot with this girl, and I don’t want to mess it up if that is
the case. I hope you understand.”

The video stops. A car
drives by, and the rumble of their engine reverberates through her now hollow-feeling
chest. How could she have done this to herself? It was her own fault. Her soul
got too attached to this man, knowing she couldn’t do anything about it.

She was married. He knew
from the very beginning. She never hid it. She didn’t want to. She was glad she
didn’t because living a lie to gain attention would have made this worse, but
she was also living a lie anyway.

Knowing she was married
didn’t change their connection to one another. That is what made this so
surreal. Her own husband had cheated on her before, numerous times, and maybe
she diluted herself into trying to feel a connection, but how can she when she
does with this other person? This other person who is now breaking parts of her
she didn’t know could feel.

It wasn’t right. None of
this was, but how do you deny what your whole being is telling you?

She stared at the next
video on her phone. The only one left. Not wanting to hear more words that
would break her down, she paused. Her breath came out shallow as her finger
hovered over the button. She had no right to complain about this. He was
probably feeling bad too, since he all but said so.

One little push and she
could hear his last words. One little push and this, whatever this is between
them, would be over. She knew it, even if she didn’t want to accept it.

Her finger grazed over the
play button as a sour feeling filled her.

Am I going to throw up?

“I know we haven’t
officially done anything yet – nothing has happened –  but I can’t say I wish it hadn’t.” His eyes
seared into hers over the screen. She couldn’t help but feel he was looking
into her soul. “I do feel close to you. I doubt that will change.”

His shoulders slump forward,
and a tear sneaked down his cheek. “But I need to give this thing a chance if I
want it to go anywhere,” wiping away the tear and snapping his eyes back to hers.
“If you were closer and I thought this would work, or I knew I had a real
chance, I wouldn’t worry about this.”

A noise escapes her lips.
Thank goodness she was alone in her car. Closing her eyes, she leans her head
against the headrest. Her mind fighting with her heart. She knows what he is
saying is the truth, but her heart doesn’t want to listen to logic. Isn’t that
how they got into this mess to begin with? Maybe her heart is a liar, and she
shouldn’t let it speak anymore.

“I am sorry, baby girl.” Opening
her eyes, she memorized the shape of his face. “I am. I hope we can still be
friends. I love talking to you.” A brief smile rested on his lips and she felt
a twinge in her chest. “Please don’t be mad at me and I hope you
understand. Talk to you soon.” The briefest of pauses before he added, “At
least, I hope you will still talk to me.”

The video ends abruptly
after his last sentence. His beautiful blue eyes which remind her of the
Mexican sea, stare back at her. Tears fall from her own, in waves. Reckless
whines of mixed emotions are flowing down her face as her heart and mind compete
for dominance.

She can’t argue anything he
just said because even if they hadn’t done anything wrong yet, she knew she
would have, given a chance. That alone, to her, was cheating. Something she
hated herself for, considering it was hypocritical. Her own husband had
emotionally and physically done it to her. The fact that she was now teetering
on the edge of it herself was draining.

A few deep breaths and half-wiped
tears, calmed her down enough to clear her throat. Opening her app, she knew
what she had to do. At the very least, she couldn’t ignore him. This man that
she has become attached to, had the curtsy of talking to her about his
feelings. Now she needed to be a big girl and do the same in return, but how?
Should she show how she was really feeling? Should she hide it all?

Warring emotions battled
inside her for so long that she was starting to feel exhausted. When your inner
demons fight, and you don’t know which one should win, it drains you. The
feeling of having a migraine for so long that when it finally dissipates, you
are tired and useless to the world. This is what she was experiencing right
now.

Swiftly shaking her head to
try to focus, she blew out a breath and angled her phone so that the screen was
black. Anxiety filled her. She may not be able to hide the emotion in her voice,
but her face is something she was able to avoid.

Closing her eyes again, she
hit the play button.

The war inside her had her
pausing, unable to get the words out. She couldn’t leave a blank video for him,
so she pushed herself to speak.

“I can’t say I am not
disappointed. I am.” Her voice cracked slightly, hoping he didn’t notice. “But
I understand. I really have no right or claim to you, and we both know this is
an awkward situation.” She nibbles on her cheek, staving off a cry that wanted
to escape. Going on, she tried to steady her racing heart. “I want you to be
happy, and we both know my situation. I won’t come up out of respect for you
because I know I won’t be able to control myself.”

She stopped the video. No
matter how much she craved to talk to him, being friends at this point would be
too hard. The need to run her hands through his hair, wishing she could feel
his arms around her, wouldn’t be fair to her now fragile soul. Taking another
breath and wiping her tear-streaked face, she hits the record button again.

“I really do wish you the
best, and if you need to talk, I will be here. I will miss you, but I get it. I
do. I just hope she knows how lucky she is.”

Wet drops fall on the
screen as she hits the stop button again. Wanting to crawl inside herself but
physically unable to. Sending both videos, she drops her phone. They have been
messaging back and forth for a while now. It was their normal routine. Talking
late into the day.

How am I going to go
back to being without that?

A voice echoed inside her
head. Was she this easily replaceable? Was she this easily forgotten?

She may not have had a
claim on him, but it seemed a part of this was one-sided. Maybe he hadn’t felt
the connection as strongly as she had. That isn’t his fault, but rather her own
ignorance, her own emotions being naïve enough to fall for an illusion of what
she thought he felt.

A part of her felt like it
was dying, and her mind kept telling her that she needed to be realistic. She
just didn’t know how. How can she be with someone, be devoted to them, but
still feel connected to someone else? How can she love someone, knowing she has
a connection with someone else so strongly, that it might be more than what she
already has? Loss over someone that wasn’t even hers to begin with, filled the
empty space in her. The one person she wanted to talk to was the cause of it.
The one person she would have messaged, she now can’t.

 

-SG